100% NOT transphobic - grieving is a part of this process and it’s okay . You’re right she is and isn’t same person and those feelings are okay. What are your doing to fill your cup? How are your getting support outside of this thread? It’s been a struggle for me to fill my cup and not empty it into my wife’s during this transition. It’s important to be honest and tell her when your need support too. Sometimes i just tell my wife i need held while i cry- i don’t have to go into specifics but i can just cry as she knows this is hard for me to
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My conservative Midwest FIL said the exact same thing. I don't have a happy ending for you though. My MtF wife literally clapped back at her father and said, "That's not love. Love is unconditional and that is a condition." And we cut him out. Shes happier the longer we don't talk to her family, but it wasn't what we originally wanted.
Ya i feel like my dad doesn’t have the respect he used to have for us - we’ve always been the Easy ones who are thoughtful and take time for them etc. we’ll see how it goes
This happened to me (37cisf) and my wife (40mtf) when she transitioned. We had been together for about 14 years when she came out to me, so my parents and her had a lengthy relationship. This was in 2018 and we told my parents in 2019. I also come from a conservative Christian family.
Thank you ! Long winded is fine. I’m so glad they are understanding - i agree everyone has the capacity to grow in their own time- not in my timeline which i hate lol Feels so hard when we moved back to see them more and now we have to give them space
I've got grandsons aged 11 and just 9 (plus a toddler but he's not even going to notice). My wife isn't their granddad (and is the same age as their mum, not as me). My daughter told them about my wife being trans, and their only concern at the time was could they keep using the same petname they've always called her by. The younger boy got right into correct pronouns straight away. The older one forgets and I just gently correct him each time. He did seem a bit embarrassed about the whole thing when I was talking to them about it one day, so I just very simply explained to him how some people's bodies accidentally grew into the wrong type before they were born and that would make them be an unhappy person, but they might not know why for a long time. And then they could take tablets and do some other stuff that would help them change their body to be the right sort for their mind and they'd be much happier. And he was like "Ah! Ok. That makes sense".
I’d probably try to focus on seeing him just as a family for now and not at his baseball games. He’s got a lot to process right now, especially if they were best buddies as you say. Trying to see his games adds the element of his friends knowing, asking questions and potentially teasing him.
Ya didn’t really think about the friend thing on our end but I’m glad he told his mom he’s not ready - i think your right to just keep it just family now - we’re just so excited to be home and close by but we’ll take it slow
Not in identity, but I’m treated differently than I would be if my partner was cis; and I hate it. A lot of people act like I’m sacrificing something or being delusional. But that’s just normal transphobia. I do feel more protective of my partner, though.
Yes! Or that you’re this hero! Like Omg you truely are amazing for staying with them - like wtf?!?! They didn’t “do” anything to me - it wasn’t a question in if i could forgive them and still stay like if they cheated on me - but more if a question of am i still attracted to this person even tho their gender has changed -whether or not I’ve been attracted to the new gender in the past. Ugh ok sorry had to get that out
That's rough; I'm so sorry. :( When I came out to my brother (first person in my family that I told) we were texting back and forth, then suddenly he stopped. A week went by and still... Nothing. I had to initiate conversation again with him to get any sort of response. It felt awful. In my case, time, and him seeing that he was the 'odd one out' on this has softened him up... Slightly.
That’s a good point - thank you! No we haven’t posted on social media - we have a few more people to tell personally but even then I’ve gone back and forth about even posting online - i def don’t share everything online but i do share sometimes I am planning on doing a serious purge of my social media friends before posting - partly because i know my parents don’t want other family to know - which im fine with - they didn’t even get invited to our wedding so i would barely call them “family” - but for the sake of my parents i know their families would have highly negative opinions and believe that my parents screwed me up - so for sake of drama im deleting them. If they find out naturally that’s fine i have no shame .
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain is pretty awful. When my wife of 8 years came out as trans, my sisters were very transphobic and didn't support me or family. I've never had a lot of close friends, but my sister was my best friend. She basically ghosted me after I was upset when she told me my wife wasn't welcome at her son's birthday party. Haven't spoken to her in almost 5 years. In my eyes, they can take all the time they need to process, but being outright exclusionary or transphobic is unacceptable. It's not about them, it about your partner and her happiness.
I also struggled with The Danish Girl. I watched it soon after my wife transitioned. I remember crying thinking my wife wouldn’t want to be my partner anymore and I would never be able to understand her. Not a bad movie, but not one I’d personally recommend in this situation.
Totally get that - i guess when i watched it i didn’t really focus on that part - partly prob cus my partner had assured me early on they were not interested in men - and partly because my partner wanted to watch it with me and she did identify with a lot of parts - but not all - so i think i was prob watching it from a different perspective tho then others. I’m so sorry though i understand that can be tough
Anyone remember that episode of rugrats where lil and Phil’s mom bought them like extra absorbent diapers that were so bulky they could barely walk? That was the day 🙈
Sounds like there is alot going on and ya your def burnt out. My wife just started hormones so I’m not in that position, however when they first came out i was totally burnt out in every way. 1 - maybe some space would be good? Like a weekend trip with friends without each other? Just to recoup and refresh. I’m hearing alot of resentment in your post and it’s def understandable (I’ve been there) but have to figure out how to not resent as it’s not helpful for either. My therapist uses a method that is referred to as loving kindness meditation. Tara brach talks in it and it’s been really helpful for me when i feel anger towards someone. Do you have a therapist? Or do you have a couples therapist? Def recommend both but our couples therapist has been a game changer for our marriage especially during this transition. Best of luck! Don’t forget to fill your cup!
When you repress emotions for a long long time, you will feel a backlog of emotions that you need to process. My wife and I went through a phase like this where I was extremely burnt out. I had to learn to not jump to the rescue, just offer a smile, a hug, and my support. I stopped letting her lead the way and took control back by saying things like “I love you so much. I really need one hour to myself and then I’m all yours. Think about what comfort movie we can watch and I’ll pick up your favorite dinner.” It won’t last, and I’m sure she is just as distressed by these intense feelings she’s not used to. Make sure you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. It’s okay to go to the couch those nights “I love you so much and I’m here for you, I need to get 1 hour of shut eye on the couch to be my best for you and I’ll be back to hug you all night”. Hang in there ❤️
This is the most sweetest thing I’ve ever heard! My wife just started hormones and she is starting to become very emotional so i love all these ideas and the Way you word them ❤️ how lucky they are to have you
Your story is very similar to mine. I say I'm bisexual or just queer. But at times I feel the same way. We're all just winging it in life and being part of LGBTQIA is no different I find
Haven’t had my partner come out on socials - still working on telling family and some friends - but best of luck! Y’all got this! Just remember that for every person who is dumb - there is someone else who will see it that needed to see and hear it. ❤️
It took me a hot min to figure out ED LOL - I’m in non profits so to me it’s an executive director 😂 but WTF! so many woman saying look i don’t eat anymore! Wtf! Oh god if anyone tried to sell me that i would lose my Shit - it’s def an Ed mlm
Honestly, if it were me (MTF) in that situation with my own cis partner, reading what you’ve said here is just so sweet and respectful. You laid out your own wants but made it clear this isn’t a dealbreaker for you and that you prioritize her above her ability to give you children, if that makes sense?
This!!!! 100% agree. Continue to talk to your partner about your concerns for them - it sounds like you have great communication - so just keep doing that! Different situation as we aren’t doing kids but When my partner came out my biggest concern was them putting my mental health above theirs - and when i finally expressed that - they had the exact same concern about me! It was funny but so endearing to see how much they love me. I didn’t want to sway any decisions either but once we talked - we concluded we had to trust each other. But also promised to check in regularly. We still check in regularly and i think it’s been helpful to us both. Sending you lots of love!
I like that idea! I will def talk to them about it cus yes i want them to feel beautiful with and without makeup. I think the thing is that they’re having issues getting a close shave and then covering the beard shadow (they are using Orange for the shadow) so it’s more heavy and not smooth texture. If anyone has tips I’m all ears to share with them
My partner also was the first one i kissed someone with makeup and it was funny i think ! As long as you have intimacy and you know that person is who you love, you get used to it and even it may become appealing to you. You don’t have to like it. If you are uncomfortable someways, you can always talk to your partner about it. After all, you are the person who is trying to adapt the situation so they will understand. You are going to find a way ❤️
Your all good! It’s very common for puppies to be very mild and polite the first few days… they will grow out of this and become the hellian you’ll learn to love lol
I’d say while vets do know a lot - they are not trainers nor behaviorists- so always take what they say with a grain of salt when discussing outside of medicine. I have a boxer/pit mix and we were having similar issues as well but at night- we moved the crate to our room and that has helped, as well as we try to get some energy out before crate time like a quick walk. But when your get back from walk try to keep her in a calm state for a few minutes before putting in kennel. My trainer recommended a lick pad with wet food or something on it before going in the crate as licking helps ease anxiety and promote calmness. I also okay classical or reggae music. Lastly- bully sticks- they are a godsend lol we do not have successful crate time without it lol i have to physically hand it to her it cannot already be in there lol that will keep them distracted for a good while too Best of luck!
I def recommend vet deep cleanings for teeth! Once every 3ish years - but ask your vet. Some dogs are just prone to more plaque build up even if they use chew sticks and dental sticks. The operation to get their rotten teeth pulled is a couple grand USD - so def make sure oral health is being maintained! Learned the hard way as a young pet owner - don’t be me!
I think there's an untapped, undersaturated market here that could definitely use us all. Part of me really wants to do this now. I'm awful. I was trying to think of ways to slip anti-MLM subliminal messages into captions to make this an ethical pursuit😆 Maybe using some triangles (pyramids), flying money, and waving mojis? Or money and fire mojis? Eg.:
It’s ok, breathe, lol. I know what a big step that was for you! I talk about my wife now but it was a while before I was ready to say that. I have a few work friends who know the whole story but I trust them not to gossip. I hope as you are there longer you will find those confidences too.
Your prob very correct lol 😂 i did private all my socials tho so now you can’t find me unless i allow you to, but I’m def like the kind of person that struggles with anxiety and worst case scenarios lol I’m working on it in therapy
I would love to pay bills this way. Can I send an email to my student loan service provider and be like “we will be issuing your payment in the form of loyalty points, since you have loyally been collecting my money for ten years so far. We apologize for the challenge this presents you. If there was another way to pay, we would have taken it, but we simply do not have the funds to pay in the same manner we did previously. Best regards.”
100% NOT transphobic - grieving is a part of this process and it’s okay . You’re right she is and isn’t same person and those feelings are okay. What are your doing to fill your cup? How are your getting support outside of this thread? It’s been a struggle for me to fill my cup and not empty it into my wife’s during this transition. It’s important to be honest and tell her when your need support too. Sometimes i just tell my wife i need held while i cry- i don’t have to go into specifics but i can just cry as she knows this is hard for me to
Me too! Minus the suppository but i love the idea of this! I’m not really into messing but thinking about that is making my diaper really wet
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My conservative Midwest FIL said the exact same thing. I don't have a happy ending for you though. My MtF wife literally clapped back at her father and said, "That's not love. Love is unconditional and that is a condition." And we cut him out. Shes happier the longer we don't talk to her family, but it wasn't what we originally wanted.
Ya i feel like my dad doesn’t have the respect he used to have for us - we’ve always been the Easy ones who are thoughtful and take time for them etc. we’ll see how it goes
This happened to me (37cisf) and my wife (40mtf) when she transitioned. We had been together for about 14 years when she came out to me, so my parents and her had a lengthy relationship. This was in 2018 and we told my parents in 2019. I also come from a conservative Christian family.
Thank you ! Long winded is fine. I’m so glad they are understanding - i agree everyone has the capacity to grow in their own time- not in my timeline which i hate lol Feels so hard when we moved back to see them more and now we have to give them space
I've got grandsons aged 11 and just 9 (plus a toddler but he's not even going to notice). My wife isn't their granddad (and is the same age as their mum, not as me). My daughter told them about my wife being trans, and their only concern at the time was could they keep using the same petname they've always called her by. The younger boy got right into correct pronouns straight away. The older one forgets and I just gently correct him each time. He did seem a bit embarrassed about the whole thing when I was talking to them about it one day, so I just very simply explained to him how some people's bodies accidentally grew into the wrong type before they were born and that would make them be an unhappy person, but they might not know why for a long time. And then they could take tablets and do some other stuff that would help them change their body to be the right sort for their mind and they'd be much happier. And he was like "Ah! Ok. That makes sense".
Ya we def do get nervous now around children because of all the bullshit
I’d probably try to focus on seeing him just as a family for now and not at his baseball games. He’s got a lot to process right now, especially if they were best buddies as you say. Trying to see his games adds the element of his friends knowing, asking questions and potentially teasing him.
Ya didn’t really think about the friend thing on our end but I’m glad he told his mom he’s not ready - i think your right to just keep it just family now - we’re just so excited to be home and close by but we’ll take it slow
Not in identity, but I’m treated differently than I would be if my partner was cis; and I hate it. A lot of people act like I’m sacrificing something or being delusional. But that’s just normal transphobia. I do feel more protective of my partner, though.
Yes! Or that you’re this hero! Like Omg you truely are amazing for staying with them - like wtf?!?! They didn’t “do” anything to me - it wasn’t a question in if i could forgive them and still stay like if they cheated on me - but more if a question of am i still attracted to this person even tho their gender has changed -whether or not I’ve been attracted to the new gender in the past. Ugh ok sorry had to get that out
That's rough; I'm so sorry. :( When I came out to my brother (first person in my family that I told) we were texting back and forth, then suddenly he stopped. A week went by and still... Nothing. I had to initiate conversation again with him to get any sort of response. It felt awful. In my case, time, and him seeing that he was the 'odd one out' on this has softened him up... Slightly.
That’s a good point - thank you! No we haven’t posted on social media - we have a few more people to tell personally but even then I’ve gone back and forth about even posting online - i def don’t share everything online but i do share sometimes I am planning on doing a serious purge of my social media friends before posting - partly because i know my parents don’t want other family to know - which im fine with - they didn’t even get invited to our wedding so i would barely call them “family” - but for the sake of my parents i know their families would have highly negative opinions and believe that my parents screwed me up - so for sake of drama im deleting them. If they find out naturally that’s fine i have no shame .
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain is pretty awful. When my wife of 8 years came out as trans, my sisters were very transphobic and didn't support me or family. I've never had a lot of close friends, but my sister was my best friend. She basically ghosted me after I was upset when she told me my wife wasn't welcome at her son's birthday party. Haven't spoken to her in almost 5 years. In my eyes, they can take all the time they need to process, but being outright exclusionary or transphobic is unacceptable. It's not about them, it about your partner and her happiness.
Damn I’m sorry that was your situation with your sister :/ yah def can’t have my partner feeling like she’s excluded
I don’t know about books but i know 2 movies (they could be a book too i just have no idea lol)
I also struggled with The Danish Girl. I watched it soon after my wife transitioned. I remember crying thinking my wife wouldn’t want to be my partner anymore and I would never be able to understand her. Not a bad movie, but not one I’d personally recommend in this situation.
Totally get that - i guess when i watched it i didn’t really focus on that part - partly prob cus my partner had assured me early on they were not interested in men - and partly because my partner wanted to watch it with me and she did identify with a lot of parts - but not all - so i think i was prob watching it from a different perspective tho then others. I’m so sorry though i understand that can be tough
Following to learn - love this question!
Anyone remember that episode of rugrats where lil and Phil’s mom bought them like extra absorbent diapers that were so bulky they could barely walk? That was the day 🙈
Sounds like there is alot going on and ya your def burnt out. My wife just started hormones so I’m not in that position, however when they first came out i was totally burnt out in every way. 1 - maybe some space would be good? Like a weekend trip with friends without each other? Just to recoup and refresh. I’m hearing alot of resentment in your post and it’s def understandable (I’ve been there) but have to figure out how to not resent as it’s not helpful for either. My therapist uses a method that is referred to as loving kindness meditation. Tara brach talks in it and it’s been really helpful for me when i feel anger towards someone. Do you have a therapist? Or do you have a couples therapist? Def recommend both but our couples therapist has been a game changer for our marriage especially during this transition. Best of luck! Don’t forget to fill your cup!
When you repress emotions for a long long time, you will feel a backlog of emotions that you need to process. My wife and I went through a phase like this where I was extremely burnt out. I had to learn to not jump to the rescue, just offer a smile, a hug, and my support. I stopped letting her lead the way and took control back by saying things like “I love you so much. I really need one hour to myself and then I’m all yours. Think about what comfort movie we can watch and I’ll pick up your favorite dinner.” It won’t last, and I’m sure she is just as distressed by these intense feelings she’s not used to. Make sure you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. It’s okay to go to the couch those nights “I love you so much and I’m here for you, I need to get 1 hour of shut eye on the couch to be my best for you and I’ll be back to hug you all night”. Hang in there ❤️
This is the most sweetest thing I’ve ever heard! My wife just started hormones and she is starting to become very emotional so i love all these ideas and the Way you word them ❤️ how lucky they are to have you
Your story is very similar to mine. I say I'm bisexual or just queer. But at times I feel the same way. We're all just winging it in life and being part of LGBTQIA is no different I find
❤️
I've been transisioning and on E for almost a year, and I still feel like I don't belong.
❤️
Haven’t had my partner come out on socials - still working on telling family and some friends - but best of luck! Y’all got this! Just remember that for every person who is dumb - there is someone else who will see it that needed to see and hear it. ❤️
It took me a hot min to figure out ED LOL - I’m in non profits so to me it’s an executive director 😂 but WTF! so many woman saying look i don’t eat anymore! Wtf! Oh god if anyone tried to sell me that i would lose my Shit - it’s def an Ed mlm
Honestly, if it were me (MTF) in that situation with my own cis partner, reading what you’ve said here is just so sweet and respectful. You laid out your own wants but made it clear this isn’t a dealbreaker for you and that you prioritize her above her ability to give you children, if that makes sense?
This!!!! 100% agree. Continue to talk to your partner about your concerns for them - it sounds like you have great communication - so just keep doing that! Different situation as we aren’t doing kids but When my partner came out my biggest concern was them putting my mental health above theirs - and when i finally expressed that - they had the exact same concern about me! It was funny but so endearing to see how much they love me. I didn’t want to sway any decisions either but once we talked - we concluded we had to trust each other. But also promised to check in regularly. We still check in regularly and i think it’s been helpful to us both. Sending you lots of love!
So heartwarming 🥺 thanks for sharing 💖
Thank you! ❤️
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
❤️❤️❤️
How precious! So happy for you!
I like that idea! I will def talk to them about it cus yes i want them to feel beautiful with and without makeup. I think the thing is that they’re having issues getting a close shave and then covering the beard shadow (they are using Orange for the shadow) so it’s more heavy and not smooth texture. If anyone has tips I’m all ears to share with them
My partner also was the first one i kissed someone with makeup and it was funny i think ! As long as you have intimacy and you know that person is who you love, you get used to it and even it may become appealing to you. You don’t have to like it. If you are uncomfortable someways, you can always talk to your partner about it. After all, you are the person who is trying to adapt the situation so they will understand. You are going to find a way ❤️
Thank you! I do like their makeup - it’s just getting used to it i think.
Your all good! It’s very common for puppies to be very mild and polite the first few days… they will grow out of this and become the hellian you’ll learn to love lol
I’d say while vets do know a lot - they are not trainers nor behaviorists- so always take what they say with a grain of salt when discussing outside of medicine. I have a boxer/pit mix and we were having similar issues as well but at night- we moved the crate to our room and that has helped, as well as we try to get some energy out before crate time like a quick walk. But when your get back from walk try to keep her in a calm state for a few minutes before putting in kennel. My trainer recommended a lick pad with wet food or something on it before going in the crate as licking helps ease anxiety and promote calmness. I also okay classical or reggae music. Lastly- bully sticks- they are a godsend lol we do not have successful crate time without it lol i have to physically hand it to her it cannot already be in there lol that will keep them distracted for a good while too Best of luck!
I def recommend vet deep cleanings for teeth! Once every 3ish years - but ask your vet. Some dogs are just prone to more plaque build up even if they use chew sticks and dental sticks. The operation to get their rotten teeth pulled is a couple grand USD - so def make sure oral health is being maintained! Learned the hard way as a young pet owner - don’t be me!
YES perfect. let me practice my “Hey girly!!!!!!!!!! Hope you’re having a great year 😊😊😊!!!”
Oh yes can i join too!
I think there's an untapped, undersaturated market here that could definitely use us all. Part of me really wants to do this now. I'm awful. I was trying to think of ways to slip anti-MLM subliminal messages into captions to make this an ethical pursuit😆 Maybe using some triangles (pyramids), flying money, and waving mojis? Or money and fire mojis? Eg.:
I love this so much! Hope you feel better!!!!
It’s ok, breathe, lol. I know what a big step that was for you! I talk about my wife now but it was a while before I was ready to say that. I have a few work friends who know the whole story but I trust them not to gossip. I hope as you are there longer you will find those confidences too.
Thank you so much!
Highly doubtful anyone is gonna look into it too much. They probably will probably just peg you as in a relationship with a cis woman and move on
Your prob very correct lol 😂 i did private all my socials tho so now you can’t find me unless i allow you to, but I’m def like the kind of person that struggles with anxiety and worst case scenarios lol I’m working on it in therapy
I would love to pay bills this way. Can I send an email to my student loan service provider and be like “we will be issuing your payment in the form of loyalty points, since you have loyally been collecting my money for ten years so far. We apologize for the challenge this presents you. If there was another way to pay, we would have taken it, but we simply do not have the funds to pay in the same manner we did previously. Best regards.”
10/10