AITA for calling my brother an “inconsiderate, insecure, pompous dick?”

  1. NTA. The names you called your brother were the perfect description of his personality. Cut off any personal contact with him until he apologizes to your wife.

  2. I agree. NTA, OP. What you and your wife have gone through is literally the hardest thing any person can go through. My son is 2 1/2 and reading your post made me cry. The gift wasn't just in bad taste. It was cruel, insensitive and you were much kinder than I would have been.

  3. I'd say cut him off forever. This was heartless and unforgivable. He insulted her in 2 ways, both of which regarded "replacing" her dead child. I would absolutely never speak to him again.

  4. Brother needs to give an apology to both OP and his wife. And I still doubt I'd be able to dig up forgiveness. To lose a child and have it dismissed? To not understand that it takes a toll of such depth of sorrow from the parents--the only kind of person who does that is depraved to his soul.

  5. NTA and you forgot "manipulative, attention-seeking, callous, juvenile, unkind, spiteful, cruel, and heartless." Happy to help.

  6. I think there's something else going on- there must be to elicit this level of cruelty. Not self aware? This doesn't register in that domain. This is actively damaging.

  7. This. But, OP, time to cut your brother out and any family that was okay with this. It sounds like you and your wife should be moving far away from them.

  8. Honestly, that would have ended in violence, were I in his shoes. OP is a better man than I can ever hope to be.

  9. What you said to your brother was absolutely correct. Strange that he can do as he wishes and that's fine but you reacting is provoking HIM. Did he not provoke you and your wife with the cruel tasteless jokes of his gifts? Either one alone would be foul and wildly inappropriate but together the two gifts are beyond the pale.

  10. I’m on the autism spectrum and so are a lot of my friends that I’ve had throughout my life. Not one of us would have done this or thought that it was remotely appropriate. This isn’t poor social skills, he was being deliberately cruel.

  11. My wife also thinks he may be on the spectrum, but if I’m being honest, I’m a bit hesitant to diagnose him with autism, or claim that he’s neurodivergent, because I don’t think it’s my place to do so.

  12. Your 'One note' discribes me before I was diagnosed to be on the spectrum about 25yrs ago although I was pretty aware I wasn't right before that because I had totally alianates myself by then. Honestly, when my family explain to me to me the way I behaved I cringe because I'm so aware now.

  13. I'm probably on the spectrum. Trying to get a diagnosis. But I would never in a million years do that to someone. Whatever the state of his mental health, it had nothing to do with him doing that. He was just being an asshole.

  14. Hi, I am autistic and a parent. This is not an autism thing. Autism thing would be OOO I LOVE LOLLIPOPS I WILL GIVE ONE TO MY SISTER when the sister doesn't care for lollipops, but the giver is oblivious and wants to give a nice thing.

  15. Agreed. People like him are exactly why there's a stereotype that people on the spectrum lack empathy. He's cruel, and being on the spectrum MIGHT have contributed to it, but it's more likely that he just has a massive personality flaw.

  16. Assholes get to continue to be assholes because people are afraid to call them out on their assholery.

  17. Holy cow. Your brother is a total ass. In most cases I would agree that you generally just thank the gift-giver and move on. But he pushed you to open the present in public and compounded the inappropriate gift with an inappropriate comment. You were well within your rights to tell him what you thought. NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your wife are doing everything you can to cope and I wish you all the best.

  18. He wanted a reaction. This wasn't just failing to read the room, it was provoking OP which shows awareness he knew what he was doing wasn't right. That's why he pushed for OP to open the gift there and then.

  19. NTA. It’s not “name-calling” when you’re right, it’s just labeling the behavior. Your brother sounds like a real piece of work. What are you doing to actively shut down the gross and inappropriate speculation about your wife’s sexuality?

  20. Yea I don’t think OP went far enough. OPs family needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that his wife, her body, their relation, their children (past, present and future) are NOT open for comment.

  21. NTA. Why the fuck did he need to remind you of your painful loss. And YOUR BROTHER giving YOU something that has to do with YOUR trauma (baby’s romper), damm he knew what would come out of this. If I were you, i would not keep my mouth shut about someone trying to purposely piss me off. The fact that he acts so tone deaf in this situation pisses me off even more.

  22. NTA - what a disgusting present to get your Sister in Law, least of all one who is actively grieving. I mean what the fuck. NTA NTA NTA.

  23. I read the title and thought, “probably, but let’s see if he’s justified.” 100% justified NTA. Glad you stood up for your wife. Seems like it’s time to consider going LC or NC… Sorry about your son OP.

  24. NTA. Call him Names? the fact the he was left without damage after that is a miracle, I belive I would have seen red and lose it on him, screw your brother, really.

  25. Oh my …. Inappropriate name calling was a very civilised reaction given the circumstances. I think it’s time to cut him out of your life. And if SiL really thinks that what you said was provocative, then she is a problem too. You did nothing wrong. NTA

  26. I don't advocate violence, ever, but if this story had ended with you laying your brother out in the front yard, I would completely understand.

  27. Customs or not… it would be a very cold day in hell before I’d subject myself to any of those people…family or no. People that love and respect you do not make comments like they did. NTA

  28. NTA. Lmao YOU provoked HIM? Nah. If anyone provoked anyone, that insensitive AH provoked you. He is everything you said and more.

  29. Your comments to your brother were indeed inappropriate - they should have been much harsher. I'd be banned if I shared what I thought beyond that.

  30. NTA. First, I am truly sorry for your loss. I think that losing a child would be something that you never stop grieving. Anecdotally, parents who lose children have a high divorce rate so continuing therapy is excellent for you both. I wouldn't have called bro pompous, but would have said that he is an inconsiderate, perverted AH. He owes you and your wife a public and private apology. He is toxic as hell. I would avoid him.

  31. Oh my god I am so sorry! He used your wife’s bday to very deliberately and publicly humiliate your wife and yourself. He spent his time and money, planning this. And then pulled the “it’s just a joke” crap. This would be unforgivable for me. NTA

  32. I think your family are the assholes. Your brother might be loud and wrong about it but it seems like your family and their way of thinking is toxic and their reaction doesn’t help either. Hope you and your wife go no contact with them for a while - just to focus on yourselves and your grief.

  33. First of all- I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. 2nd of all you are NTA cause you called your brother what he is: an inconsiderate, insecure pompous dick.

  34. NTA. This "gift" was obviously in bad taste, and I'd hazard to guess it was meant to be hurtful. There's no reason to continue interacting with this realtive in the future. The fact your family was more upset with you for calling him names (rightly so) than the nature of such a coarse gift is also quite telling.

  35. Holy barking fuck, not only is that an incredibly cruel gift for your family to then say you provoked him. If ever there was a moment for appropriate name calling, this was it and you didn't even start there (but would be justified if you did) but because he refused to apologize or acknowledge how deeply terrible and hurtful his behavior is, you rightfully called him what he is.

  36. Are you Fucking serious, the outrage I feel on your behalf is utterly ridiculous! Name calling is the least that could have been done and you still would never be the asshole in the situation. You family are despicable and cutting him out of your lives would be completely just. So sorry for your loss NTA

  37. You are NTA, that is your brother and anyone who thinks you were in the wrong. So sorry for you and your wife's loss, it's a loss no parent should have to bare.

  38. NTA, every name was deserved. I'm sorry for the loss you and your wife experienced. Your family is out of line for assuming the reason you guys go to therapy. Your brother was....extremely out of line. As someone who suffers from saying or doing the wrong thing in a tense moment often....even I would have known not to give a "gift" like that.

  39. Provoked him? How? You didn't even curse at him, you just pointed out how he was acting, as an inconsiderate dick, that's not an offense, that is a statement of fact. If he is offended by it then maybe he shouldn't act like an inconsiderate dick. NTA

  40. NTA- My condolences to you and your wife. Your BIL is a TA and I would cut off contact with him or any member of your family that supports/enables his shitty behavior. He owes you and your wife a big apology.

  41. I'm truly impressed with the restraint both you and your wife showed. You poor things. Im so very sorry for your tragic loss and for this incredibly evil gift.

  42. NTA but your brother is an ahole and a bully. That was a very cruel thing to do to your wife. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. He needs to apologise for his horrible actions I would get him a cup saying all the things that you said he was. He will complain and have a toddler tantrum when he gets it.

  43. He's lucky it wasn't me because he wouldn't have teeth anymore. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. What he did is indefensible. Period.

  44. NTA this is beyond disgusting behavior. I am glad you and your wife are going to therapy, that shows a great relationship and team work in difficult times.

  45. NTA. They think YOU provoked HIM? Are you kidding me? I would have called him a lot worse. He behaves that way because they let him. Culture is NOT an excuse for being an asshole. Your family are assholes too if they think you're the one in the wrong and I would tell them so and to stop enabling him and using culture or whatever as an excuse.

  46. NTA, you calling him on his bullshit is justified. BTW, you are a better man than I. I would’ve planted one right in his gut then slammed his head into the table.

  47. NTA. And don’t go back there ever again. He is gross and if he treats people like that I wouldn’t even want to be near him.

  48. honestly I've fist fought my own brother twice in my life and this would have been the third time if i were in your shoes. NTA

  49. NTA I'd cut him off completely tbh. How dare he be so insensitive? I'm sorry for your loss and I think your taking all the right steps. Cut anyone who's toxic as they could set you back. X

  50. NTA. You called him out immediately, which was the right thing to do. There’s no defense to what he did, it was horrible and hurtful. I hope you and your wife go NC with him. He’s not worth wasting air with. I am so sorry for your loss.

  51. NTA. i am SO over people getting mad at responses to disrespect rather than THE ACTUAL FUCKIN DISRESPECT.

  52. Jesus fucking Christ, this "gift" is so incredibly asshole-ish that everyone with a functioning brain would need an explaination why it is fucked up. I don't even want to spell out why it is so, so mach disrespectful. Your insults were actually nice towards him after a stunt like this. So definately NTA.

  53. NTA. If your family defended him after that, you should seriously consider cutting them off. Create a new family among friends. Just because you got thrown into that group by random happenstance, it doesn't mean you have to remain tethered to them. I love my family, but too often they make racist remarks at family gatherings. My uncle is a Fox News fanatic and eats up their lies, so we can't have a single family gathering without him bitching about Hillary and Obama and stuff. I moved over 400 miles away for unrelated reasons, but it has made it easier to cut them out of my life.

  54. Your wife was gracious. If I were her, I'd never step in the same room with him again. What you called him was very vanilla compared to what I would have. There is NO apology worthy of acceptance with what he did.

  55. OMG you are NOT the AH!! This is absolutely disgusting. Anyone who cannot understand/sympathize with the pain that losing a child would cause is heartless. The fact that they think your marriage counseling is due to anything other than that is absolutely ridiculous. That gift from your brother is absolutely vile, cruel, and outrageous. As though another child could just replace what you had.

  56. Nah son, defend your wife and go LC with your brother. I'd also put your entire family on blast for ignoring the death of your child and thinking that therapy is for anything other than your shared grief. I'd also blast your brother for thinking sex/new baby is the cure.

  57. NTA. The SIL promised no drama, but didn’t check that gift in advance? They both owe you and your wife an apology.

  58. NTA. Your brother is lucky you only called him names. His "gift" was absolutely disgusting - he's a complete asshole and your entire family is, too - not only for siding with him, but also for their behavior around you both attending therapy.

  59. NTA. Those names are honestly to polite to describe your brother and the words i would use would definitely get this post removed. Your brother is a massive ahole and your family needs to stop tip toeing around his ahole so as you put it not to provoke him, no wonder he has never changed from this shit behaviour because your family seems to be incapable of pushing back on it and having him suffer real consequences from his shit.

  60. Not the AH at all because if it were me and my wife, I would have punched him in the face. You showed a huge amount of restraint. Tell those people who are saying you're the AH to put the blame on your brother then tell them to kick rocks.

  61. NTA. Your brother is incredibly immature and horribly cruel. This was a very evil thing to do to you and your poor wife. He's lucky you were as nice as you were. Geez.

  62. NTA. I can’t imagine what your wife must have been feeling during that interaction. That made my stomach turn so quickly. My family seems to be very similar to yours in the respect of not talking about “uncomfortable” things but being completely fine with humiliating a woman over perceived relationship problems. I don’t talk to them much. I think you’re fantastic for what you said and how you support her. I’m so glad the two of you have been able to be there for each other and have a strong relationship after such a catastrophic loss. You should both be proud that you’re nothing like your family. 💙

  63. We lost our son a few years back, the pain and loss is always there. It lessens and doesn’t sting as much now but it will always be there. Sending you both love and support.

  64. NTA I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 10 years ago when my daughter was 2 years old. I cannot imagine the pain you and your wife are going threw. I really hope you consider going NC with your brother. Also your wife is one hell of a strong woman for her kindness towards this man. I don't think I am to far out of line to say for me, this would've been worth going to jail over.

  65. NTA, you’re brother was being an asshole. just because he has difficulty with social cues dose not excuse his behavior.

  66. Your brother is vile and ignorant, and what he did to your wife was despicable and truly beyond comprehension. The fact that your entitle family is defending him as if HE is the victim here, possibly explains how he became that way. Cut them all off.

  67. NTA. This is not about misunderstanding social cues….your brother managed to be both cruel and vulgar, and he made a public spectacle while doing it.

  68. NTA - the lingerie was tasteless and rude enough on it's own but the baby's romper is what kicks it over the edge for me. I can't believe that any person could do that and not realise the pain that would cause. I don't think I could ever forgive that. Any reaction you and your wife had is fair - I would even say you showed remarkable restraint. That man is no longer your family in any way and those that side with him (if they know the full story)

  69. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  70. The extremely insensitive gift had been given already, so what did you "provoke him" to do by calling him in my opinion not harsh enough names?

  71. Sooo NTA you can't even see the A from here. Your SIL and other family members can taboo their wrong opinions out the door.

  72. Wow. You are NTA at all...your brother is. I actually think you showed restraint only calling him the names that you did! I cannot believe your brother could be so insensitive and cruel to you and your wife...especially since he wanted to make sure everyone witnessed her humiliation. Maybe it's time to cut him out of your life, or only communicate with him by text. If your wife wants to still have a relationship with your SIL, they could meet for lunch, go to a yoga class together etc.

  73. NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for having to endure this cruel way of ripping open your wounds, and I'm so sorry for your poor wife. On her birthday, lo less.

  74. NTA. I think that it’s always dangerous to armchair diagnose someone with any kind of neurological divergence, but I think there could be something to the spectrum speculation. He also may just be a total dick bag. I am married, with a young child, and an adult brother whom is on the spectrum. I would hope, that in your situation, I would be able to react with a quarter of your restraint. You seem like good people OP.

  75. NTA. There was nothing “unnecessary” about the names you called him. I’d have called him MUCH worse. I honestly think you should a lot of restraint and I would be cutting off any and all family members who think what he did was acceptable.

  76. NTA: Your family doesn’t seem to respect you. Maybe it’s your culture and really, you’re the only one who can say how you feel about it but some distance from them (even in terms of time spent) might be helpful.

  77. OP has more restraint than me. I’d have beaten the shit out of someone for doing that to my spouse. NTA

  78. OP has more restraint than me. I’d have beaten the shit out of someone for doing that to my spouse. NTA

  79. NTA First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Buying a baby outfit was tasteless given that you are still actively working through your grief with a counselor. What really stood out to me was the audacity of gifting the expensive lingerie. No one other than you should be buying lingerie for your wife!

  80. For your and your wife's sake: cut off that part of the family. You can still hang out with SIL if you are good friends but do not interact with your brother.

  81. No, it was the narcissistic brother who is the asshole. How dare he think a new boy, let alone a baby at all, would solve any of your problems, but basically replacing a lost child with a new one shows his emotional immaturity and total lack of compassion and empathy. He deserved it, and I probably would have said more! NTA

  82. That was a response to the stupid that leaked from his breadbasket all over you and your wife. He should’ve asked his wife’s input about the gift because if she (SIL) didn’t know her husband is trash if she knew what he got your wife she’s not your wife’s friend.

  83. Clearly NTA. All things aside though, who the hell buys lingerie for their brothers wife? Regardless of the reason, it's just fuckin weird.

  84. Absolutely NTA! What a horribly inappropriate, disrespecting, ignorant thing to do! I would have lost my mind. You showed considerable restraint. All you did is call out his personality flaws. Sorry for your loss and I hope you and your wife find peace, love and strength in each other.

  85. You reacted to HIS provocation. You certainly didn't provoke him. Also, your brother is absolutely an inconsiderate, insecure, pompous dick.

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