I have begged my partner for sex only to get shut down everytime.

  1. Literally! I cannot comprehend people that come on this sub and complain about problems like this when the answer is so simple? You want sex, he won't give it to you = not compatible. It's SO simple!! Out here begging and embarrassing yourself for years?? 😭. Wasted all that time when you could've been in another relationship with someone you actually are compatible with smh.

  2. You've stopped flogging the dead horse of this relationship, and are now flogging the greasy spot where the dead horse used to be.

  3. Why are you continuing to beg for him to give you intimacy instead of breaking up with him and finding someone else who will?

  4. It’s clear sex is not something he wants so forcing him is absolutely not the option. What’s the ideal situation for you here? You break him down to the point he gives in and does something he’s completely uncomfortable with and does not want to do for you? Think that through.

  5. She says in another comment that they no longer live together but are still in a relationship. She's misunderstanding the downvotes. She can seek intimacy, just not from her current partner.

  6. Hi, Honey. Listen. You wanting sex and it being more important in the relationship is an important and valid concern. Your partners lack of desire is also an important and valid feeling. You can’t make someone do something they dont want, and that’s especially important when it comes to sex. If this is a dealbreaker for you or is causing you great distress, it may be time to move on and find someone who has a more compatible sex drive.

  7. First off, pleading for sex after someone very clearly says no is coercive and toxic. Offering them money for sex is offensive and kind of gross. It’s okay to desire intimacy in a relationship, as I find it important too. But the way you claim you went about it is also pretty toxic, to your bf and yourself. There should have been a sit down, serious heart to heart. Maybe ask him if intimacy is something that makes him uncomfortable or if it’s just something he is overall not interested in. He is allowed to not enjoy intimacy, he doesn’t have to give you any reasoning. If he is not comfortable, do not push it. You need to leave and allow yourselves to move on. Find someone who matches your libido, make sure to discuss the topic of the importance of intimacy with whatever new partner you find for yourself.

  8. Not to mention all of OP’s snarky responses. Why come here for advice if you don’t want it? This sounds like rage bait

  9. I’ve unfortunately seen a few of my friends do this to themselves, more common in my area for lgbtq+ folks because it’s not exactly bursting with us so the idea of leaving a partner is hard because there’s no space away from them, if that makes sense. It’s hard to watch but the only way it gets better is for the person to realize there really is nothing left, usually when the partner leaves them instead.

  10. You’re not getting downvoted because you’re an asshole for seeking intimacy , you’re getting downvoted because you’ve applied no logic to this situation. No one should ever be reduced to what you experienced with him , but at the end of the day it’s a choice you’re continuing to make by calling this man your partner. Instead of getting defensive , perhaps look at this situation through the eyes of these (some rather harsh) commenters that simply don’t understand.

  11. You left already but are still with him to be loved. You are keeping yourself trapped in stockholm syndrom. Why stick around for the potential for love when almost any other guy is going to treat you way better.

  12. Pressuring someone to have sex after they said 'no' is toxic and coercive. Not only that, but being pressured for sex can easily kill attraction to the pushy partner. If someone doesn't feel safe saying 'no', then they often won't feel comfortable saying 'yes'. Begging for sex and offering to pay your partner for sex is really disrespectful.

  13. This is the best advice in the thread. I absolutely agree with you and the article you linked was informative.

  14. This is too far down in the comments section. I think because it's relatively rare, people don't recognise it when women coerce sex. But this is exactly what is going on. I don't blame him at all tbf.

  15. Wanting to be loved is not a good reason. Learn to love yourself first. After that being loved by others is just a bonus. You need to realize you will NEVER receive the love you crave from him.

  16. Why would you pity him? Is he asking for sex? If he's not desiring you, I don't think he minds. You're pitying a false construct of who you wish he was.

  17. You don’t feel love for him. He blatantly ignores your needs. You have lowered and degraded yourself for this man who clearly is not compatible with you. What reason is there to stay?

  18. If you have to beg for someone’s love or attention, that is not love. You clearly have different ways of expressing and receiving love. I understand you want love and probably feel very dependent and attached to him, but you will feel so much happier with someone who can love you the way you are craving! It’s gonna be very hard but you need to leave for your sake.

  19. If he doesn’t want to have sex than leave, it’s his choice what he wants or doesn’t want to do. Especially when it comes to sex, where consent is the number one importance

  20. WEIRD ass op. I'd almost say you deserve to be in your situation but that would just be proving you right when you're so so wrong.

  21. So you don’t love him? Why are you still with him? It’s not fair to either of you. Go find someone who wants to have sex and go have some crazy monkey sex.

  22. Why are you begging someone to love you and be intimate? You said you’ve left physically. Why do you stay emotionally? You got downvoted because you are allowing yourself to be degraded to stay with someone who is evidently not happy either. You can do better. It’s hard to start over. But do it for yourself. It will be the best decision you can make. Allow yourself to be happy and to be loved by someone who desires you. You absolutely deserve it.

  23. Have you had a conversation with him about sexuality? I say this because it sounds similar to a couple friends of mine who are asexual but have no interest in sex at all under any circumstances. (I will note asexuality is a spectrum and there are also ace individuals who may engage in sex to please their partner or for a variety of other reasons but merely don’t feel sexual attraction.) Basically what I’m saying is it may not be you. But that comes to the next point: is that something you’d want in a relationship? If not… move on and find someone who shares your wants.

  24. You're obviously never going to get what you want from him so break up. You should never have to beg someone for sex, this whole post is sad.

  25. OP, you have so many issues. Y’all aren’t even communicating. And begging? Literally begging on their knees? Shit, I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone that has that low of respect for themselves either. That affects how your partner views you. And money? Just leave and go to therapy. For the love of god, go to therapy.

  26. No means no. Begging your partner is gross. You're so whiny and complainy. Grow up and move on. Find a partner with a compatible sex drive and he'll find someone else.

  27. Maybe your partner is Asexual? Or something? Sounds like you’re unhappy and you might consider walking away.

  28. Is there something that maybe you are not realizing or taking into consideration? I’m just wondering because my ex wife would always beg me to sleep with her, but the reason why I was not interested was because she was always talking to someone or had cheated or was throwing someone else in my face to try to make me jealous. I’m the kind of person that does not compete. She made it clear to me that she was interested in other people. I wasn’t going to beg her to pick me. I was just turned off and hurt. Then she couldn’t understand that in order to even think about wanting to sleep with her I would have to try so hard to push all the hurtful things out of my mind. So that’s what was going on with me. Could this be the case in your relationship or maybe something similar like that? If not then I’m not sure. Could be that he’s depressed or that he needs to feel connected to you mentally first before getting physical. Maybe just try to focus on having a good time together and be patient. I suggest stop mentioning sex at all. Be patient and wait for him to initiate it with you. This could take quite a while so don’t give up too quickly. The more you mention sex the more pressured he probably feels. This can be a turn off. That’s my advice.

  29. Maybe he’s sort of A-sexual but doesn’t know how to say it? Idk… but I think I would break it off. You deserve to be with someone you are sexually compatible with.

  30. Have you asked if he’s asexual? Some people just don’t like sex or have had a bad experience so are scared of it.

  31. Hmm, my last relationship ended over similar issues. We just stopped having sex as often, like a lot of couples do after years together. But then she started guilt tripping me for not doing it enough (she never initiated, it was always up to me), made me feel shitty about not doing it every time she wanted it but didn’t tell me. All of which made me not want to do it at all. She turned it into a chore instead of the intimate, fun thing it should be.

  32. Ur insane for staying even more insane than him for not wanting .. that’s why downvote

  33. Girl if you are not married why on earth are you staying with him? Sex isn’t everything but is not irrelevant either (if you are not asexual).

  34. I feel bad for you. You must have a low self esteem or something to stay in a relationship like. Break up with your partner so he can find someone better

  35. Hey. I get it. Change is hard. After someone you love rejects you so much, you start to think it's you. You start to feel like maybe you deserve it. You dig yourself into this pit to keep safe but then the second he's nice again it makes you feel elated, like a victory, like maybe you figured it out. It's not you. Sometimes it's hard to leave. You said you left the house, that's the first step. Don't think of it as leaving, you don't have to break up with him tonight to satisfy the reddit gods. Instead, just start building your life up without him. Not necessarily excluding him, just not intentionally making space for him unless he asks for it. Sounds like he might not, but it won't matter, because you'll have a bigger life and won't care. Start doing more alone, more with friends, make new friends, ride a bike, whatever. Do all of the things you wish he'd do with you. Go buy a bitchin vibrator. Build the life you imagined you'd have with him. Either he will ask to be in it, or, chances are, someone better will. Someone that wants to meet your physical needs and emotional needs and doesn't withhold affection. You're worth it. You didn't fuck up by staying with him, you just weren't ready. You have a place. You're on reddit asking about it. Here's your sign. Can't grow with him? Grow without him. He will either catch up, or you won't even miss him. I swear.

  36. Why are you in this relationship? Why would you degrade and disrespect yourself? You’re causing yourself pain. End the relationship. Let him find what he is looking for. Allow yourself to do the same in a healthier and stable relationship where love, intimacy, and respect is reciprocated. YTA to yourself.

  37. I was in a similar situation. My partner didn’t love me, stopped entirely with affection. You need to go to therapy. I left him after 10 years within a year of starting therapy

  38. I had a relationship like this. We were together almost 6 years. I knew him since we were in highschool and we were bestfriends. We probably had sex under 20 times. Saying 20 may be generous. I know he had a sex drive though because he wanted me to give him oral everyday. He wouldn’t give oral and would not have sex with me. I felt so shitty about myself. I was so insecure and loved him. I think the reason he didn’t want to have sex was that he just wasn’t attracted to me. When he was angry he would say as much. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. We eventually broke up. But it hurt so bad at the time and I still have insecurity issues from that relationship. I was overweight for some of that relationship and I always thought he was too good for me. It will never get better. I would leave soon and find someone that truly wants to be with you.

  39. You’re getting downvoted because you don’t seem to see your self worth and how sad it is that you’re still with someone who you have to beg and even offer to pay for sex. You’re just not compatible. Move on.

  40. You seriously need therapy. Somehow you got caught up on one dude. You realize other people exist right?

  41. I scrolled through the comments and still couldn't decide whether (1) OP's having some kind of serious mental issue; (2) a victim of a horrible domestic abuse or childhood trauma that she lost her sense of self; or (3) a joke on everyone who's involved.

  42. These are all very negative comments, OP. But I get it. It does sound like you have put yourself into a bit of a suffer-fest here. By the sounds of it you guys aren't compatible and that's okay as well.

  43. I’ve been with someone like you and it was HORRIBLE. I’m not saying you’re horrible because I get you are frustrated and sex is necessary in a relationship, but the begging and pleading and crying I got from my partner was awful and made me never want to have sex. I think you should have a conversation about it and if that conversation goes nowhere then just break up if he doesn’t fit your sex drive anymore. You’re not going to make him any more interested in sleeping with you by begging, you’re just pushing him away more. You’re incompatible now, there’s no shame in that. Talk to him about it and accept you may have to end it for your own good.

  44. This. Man could be asexual, or low libido, or simply not attracted to their partner either because the partner is a bad partner who doesn't meet his needs or doesn't seem to respect him as a person.

  45. If OP was a man the comments would be going crazy that “he” was begging “her” for sex like that. Everyone would be calling him a creep but here it’s just, “girl leave him!”

  46. So are you suggesting they stay together? They are very obviously not compatible, so actually telling them to leave is for both of their benefits.

  47. He might be asexual, it’s very rare for men, especially cis men to be ace, but it’s possible. If your unable to deal with him not wanting sex then the option are 1.learn to deal with it 2.leave the relationship 3.have and open relationship

  48. Girl, you don't need sex with someone else. Get a toy and just enjoy your partner's company and friendship. But if you someday want kids, you will probably want to leave this relationship and find someone else who shares your life goals.

  49. External validation is a trap. Validate and love yourself, and you'll attract what you truly desire. It will naturally gravitate to you, just as abusers prey on the weak

  50. walking red flag? for not wanting sex? he could be asexual. OP is the red flag here. harassing someone to have sex is creepy af. imagine if the genders were reversed.

  51. My advice would be to never come here for advice and seek a therapist for yourself and ask their advice. They will be kind and compassionate hopefully and wouldn't ridicule you when you're at the edge. They want to help you. This isn't the place to seek help.

  52. Is it any chance that he is asexual? (And also selfish) Honestly, you should have done this at the 2nd year. Is there any especific reason in why he dosent like it?? You talked about this obviously

  53. Been there, married that (I married before i saw the signs). It got to the point where I couldn’t get his attention off video games. Even when family would come to visit it didn’t matter. I even went out of my way to buy expensive lingerie. I would try to go down on him. He just never felt like having sex with me. I feel for you. You’re not ugly and you’re worth so much more. Seriously talk to him, tell him how you feel. If this is a relationship you really want try couples therapy. If that doesn’t work then get out. Or get out now, honestly don’t submit yourself to that pain any longer. I hope you can figure out what’s best for you.

  54. I would’ve pitied you if you were only together with in the months but you’ve continued this relationship for nearly five years? What do you actually expect from him after knowing what you do.

  55. You’re not an asshole for seeking intimacy, but surely you can see that you have degraded yourself to nothing for someone who has no interest in having sex with you. I love my husband but you’d catch me dead before I got on my knees and begged him to notice me.

  56. OP listen, if you have to beg for something you deem important in a relationship, it’s time to leave. I’ve read some of your comments and it really seems you crave intimacy, which isn’t a bad thing. However it seems like you’re hurting yourself and possibly this person because you only want it from them.

  57. Don’t be dim, you are not getting downvoted for “seeking intimacy”. You are getting downvoted for choosing to stay in a sexless relationship that you are very clearly unhappy in, rather than seeing the very clear writing on the wall and separating yourself.

  58. I don't think you deserve downvotes, but... why stay with him? You obviously aren't happy with him, and I doubt he's happy with you.

  59. You need to leave this relationship. It isn't right for you and your mental health. There are plenty of other people out there who will treat you better and would love having that intimacy.

  60. Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for most everyone. If your needs aren’t being met, you should find someone who can meet them. I can’t imagine how awful it feels to love and want someone and for them not to feel the same. I have all the sympathy in the world for you, I hope you can find someone who also needs the intimacy you NEED

  61. I’m really sorry that you’re in this position. I know it’s easy to take a look from the outside and give advice, but what happens behinds closed doors we don’t know. I’ve read some of your comments, you’ve moved out of the house. Do you find that helpful to your situation?

  62. Man girl seek a more attentive man who will let you have a physical relationship as you were supposed to have.

  63. Seeking intimacy from the wrong person, that’s all. I was you once. Now I look back and wish I had made the difficult decision to leave in year one rather than in year six

  64. You are getting downvoted because of the combination of worship and pity. It's a pretty wacky bit of back and forth. It's hard to understand what advice you are looking for and honestly the quality is pretty poor. It seems like you are ranting, but you're not.

  65. Genuinely curious: what have the conversations been like when you tell your partner this? Has this been throughout the whole relationship or just a new thing in recent years? Is your partner asexual/just generally not interested in sex physically? Do they show love to you in other ways or is your love language not matched all around?

  66. You should just leave. No clue why you’re degrading yourself for someone that clearly isn’t interested in you. You clearly aren’t okay with the situation so just be done. You say you want to be loved. This person doesn’t love you. Move on.

  67. It's unfortunate that something has diminished his sex drive or he lost sexual interest in you but he doesn't want it and he isn't willing to do anything about it so it's best to end it. It sounds like he doesn't care to fix the problem or care about what you want.

  68. It's not just about wanting intimacy, I understand your frustration and anger about it but yo also have to respect yourself. Reading what you wrote about getting on your knees and trying to give your partner money for it shows a lack of respect for you and how you view yourself. Even your responses show you're brushing it off as childhood trauma and if it really is like that a huge part of your relief would come from something like therapy.

  69. Sounds like my asexual, maybe a romantic, boyfriend. except I knew since day one of our relationship that he is asexual. We’ve had sex maybe 5 times in the year we’ve been together. Maybe have this discussion with him?

  70. Sexual compatibility is so important in a relationship. I’m sorry but he is not your person. He would probably be a good friend, but you need to find someone that is compatible with you. Please do not marry this person and end up unhappy. The reason we date is to figure out what we want and need in a partner. This may be a hard and hurtful parting, but it needs to happen. You will be so grateful when you find your true person. Best of luck to you. Source: very happily married for more than 30 years.

  71. You aren't an asshole, but just take in what people said. You aren't happy. You aren't compatible. Find someone who will love you and get help itherwise.

  72. I’m going thru the same thing.. nobody deserves a relationship like that, we came to this life to be happy and to be loved by someone who adores you. Be single for some time, have some casual sex and meet some new people until you know what you’re looking for, try new things. It hurts be rejected like that but you’ll find someone and be happy again 😊

  73. Your guy is remarkably consistent. He was this way yesterday and you know what he’s gonna be like tomorrow? I do… Because that’s the way he is.

  74. As someone who was in a similar situation with my last ex, I can feel your pain and frustration. At one point, its hard to separate their unwillingness to put effort into the bare minimum vs your own value and self worth. After some time of not having your needs met, it starts to feel like its your fault, like it has to be, but I promise its not. You are not an asshole for wanting that level of intimacy and connection with a partner.

  75. I don’t understand why people are snapping at you. But if you’re still in the relationship, it’s time to end it. You shouldn’t have to beg for intimacy. And even if you did, is it really consensual? You need to be intimate in a way that makes you feel loved, and so does he. And if that isn’t compatible, it’s not healthy.

  76. I don't think you're an asshole, but I think you should be honest about the relationship. Your partner obviously has a very low interest in sex, you have a higher interest, and they are not willing to meet you in the middle.

  77. Not everyone sees sex as necessary in a relationship, and you sound a lot like my ex. If you and your partner don't see eye to eye on something like libido, break up. Especially if it's this important to you

  78. Well someome people just don't want that much sex. It is that easy. It is a miracle to me how you stayed for 4-5 years. That means you had sex less then once per quarter...

  79. You’re getting downvoted to hell because this is a stupid problem to have. It’s not stupid that you want physical intimacy with your partner. It’s not stupid to feel hurt when you’ve been rejected repeatedly. What IS stupid is continuing to beg for something from someone who has made it perfectly clear for half a decade that they have no interest in being with you intimately. What’s stupid is actively choosing to stay in a relationship with some you’re not compatible with, taking yourself through all the trouble of learning to emotionally distance yourself from someone you’re not married to or even live with. What’s stupid is the fact that you seem like you’re going to continue with this foolishness even though your “love” is gone and “pity” has taken its place.

  80. Whatever happy memories you've made in the last 5 years seem good but the present is different. Time changes and people change, if the dynamic changed, preferences maybe, attraction is low, you communicated your thoughts then its best to move on.

  81. I totally understand the pain of being rejected, and what it’s like to have so much deep rooted pain that’s aside from the issue of intimacy. I don’t want to be a broken record but do your absolute best to detach and move on. Let go and accept that if he wanted to, he would communicate that. You don’t need to be in something that’s making you this unhappy.

  82. Leave him. There's no nice way to say this, you literally have no respect for yourself. If you want to feel loved, then learn to respect yourself first. I'm not going to tell you to love yourself because that's harder, and you clearly can't go to that stage yet. But for the love of God just have some pride and leave him.

  83. I’m a cis female person in quite a satisfying relationship with a cis male, with almost no physical intimacy on the table (maybe 5-6 times over the past 7 years, and absolutely no intimacy in the past 4 years).

  84. The fact that you cannot desire your partner in this relationship means there is no reason to be in it. You should not have to beg for intimacy and it doesn’t seem like he can give it. Celibacy in a relationship is possible, but you’ve been asking for intimacy for half a decade and decided to stay even though your interests and goals don’t align, so it seems like there’s a lack of communication and consent.

  85. You deserve a loving healthy relationship and this is not that. Get away from him and look for a person who cares about you and your needs. They are out there but you can’t find them if you are chained to this one.

  86. OP, you’re not being downvoted because you’re seeking intimacy, you’re being downvoted cause you are actively trying to stay with this man who treats you like shit. You yourself have said you aren’t in love with him anymore, that you pity him.

  87. OP you didn’t get downvoted for seeking intimacy, you’re downvoted for staying in a dead relationship for years when it was never working for you. And then getting defensive and claiming people are attacking you. Therapy, please.

  88. Downvoted. Like why do you have to beg him. If this is important to you leave. And also you said you feel pity for him? I feel pity for you girl

  89. Wow girl. I have been to the same kind of situation but it did not get to the point that I kneeled and offered money. However the feeling of how little and unworthy you are to have to beg for attention is there. It feels horrible. Do not waste your life and tell him sex is important to you in a married life and make a deal about how you can meet it. If he does not do anything about it then you are bound to a dead bed forever. Im sure there will be men begging to have intimacy with you so you may also consider leaving. The time you are appart satify your needs and if it really turns out that you love him or he loves you then get back together and compromise. Go for a happy life.

  90. I mean, if you’re into masochism or degradation/humiliation kinks, I guess this would be a workable relationship. But it’s clear you aren’t so this is some deeply co-dependent bullshit.

  91. Your wants are not in the wrong what so ever, but you staying in this relationship was the wrong move. You’re okay to want intimacy but you shouldn’t allow yourself to neglect and degrade yourself.

  92. Why are you still in this relationship then? I understand if you just want to be loved but there’s tons of people out there who will actually give you the love you need and will actually be intimidate with you. You need to get out of this relationship before you waste anymore time with him

  93. So obviously the lack of sex in the relationship is a huge red flag… but I also feel like we’re missing a lot of context here. Based on OP’s responses, I really feel like there’s some mental health stuff going on, and part of me wonders if OP has the capacity to communicate effectively with her “partner” and officially establish themselves with mutual understanding that they are a couple. I’m sorry but sex less than 16 times in a span of five years really doesn’t indicate that. I feel like there’s a lot more going on here that we’re not hearing about.

  94. I’m sorry for you and I know how you feel. I don’t know what his reasons might be but if you are not ok with it - just quit. I had the same situation with my ex - we were/are both young, I consider myself quite an average and for sure it wasn’t about me (it took a lot of time for me to understand). After I brought it up in two conversations and saw no improvement, it went right downhill. Nothing changed and he didn’t even see a problem. Anyway, we split up in a few months. Not having sex is not a problem by itself but the reason why you are not having sex is the problem. If he is not willing to share his feelings or thoughts about it, just find a partner who appreciates you.

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