Adoption

  1. I was SEVERELY abused as a child. Like I didn't know how to spell, talk clearly, eat correctly, holidays ,how to dress. I didn't even know my own NAME. I was placed in a foster home when I was 6? They just wanted me for clout and expected that since I was out of that abusive environment, I would become a silent, obedient, smart child. Turns out that TRAUMA is a lifelong thing. They didn't want to put in the effort and decided I was "too hard to handle" And yes, they said that to my FACE as a 7? year old before they threw me back into foster care without a second glance.

  2. Even adopting an older dog that may have been abused before is something you have to really put a lot of effort, hard work, and time into. I can imagine troubled teens is like 100 fold this

  3. Yeah I'm actually a parent and have experiences watching a child that comes from a really bad home. They've started to pick things back up and have custody now. He's an overall good kid but holy shit the differences between him and my kid/other kids I've dealt with are night and day. He is so much harder to deal with.

  4. Yeah I knew a couple that adopted two preteens and a teen. The teen would steal things and sell them, the parents knew but didn’t know how to help. Eventually the teen told his friends to go rob the house. Teens friends brought guns and robbed the entire family at gun point.

  5. Yeah, I’m not sure about everyone else here, but my experience working in a foster care group home for exactly the kinds of kids you’re referencing, everybody has their breaking point for their patience and I agree that saying “they deserve love too” is a gross oversimplification. Some kids will play a caustic game of “would you still love me if…” to the point that no reasonable amount of compassion or mental-health consciousness will match up to it. They want the other shoe to drop and for you to leave them or fuck them over just like everybody else so they can feel safe knowing that nobody loves them instead of getting burned by thinking someone loves them and being wrong or having that person leave.

  6. Interesting that the worst behavior they could think of is a teen drinking or stealing. The worst ones I've heard is molesting other children in the house, or threatening to report the foster parents as having molested them if they don't get their way.

  7. This. The kids should have love and family but I knew a couple that already had some kids and a relatively happy life who basically ruined their family by adopting an older child. The child had severe behavioral and emotional problems who made the whole family dynamic miserable for everyone and basically ruined the other kids childhood. Not saying people who have problems shouldn’t be adopted, but it needs to be done with proper awareness of what the challenges will be and the intent on seeing them through with a therapist or other trained professional if needed. Some people have been through too much and can’t just be hugged better as sad as that is.

  8. Yea, making sure someone is ready to deal with those unique challenges seems like exactly the question one should ask when “discussing human beings not digital pets” because the stakes are so high if you fuck up.

  9. i have a family member who works with 'troubled teens' as a counselor. his line of reasoning was 'i went through this system so i should have some idea of what theyre going through and a better point of view to help.' one of his first cases was a kid who stabbed another kid in the throat at school with a pencil, because he wanted the kids shoelaces.

  10. I'm sure some people are just being dicks when they ask someone if they're "sure" about adopting older children, but I also think that there are probably a decent number of people out there that ask that because they get just how difficult it can be, and for the fucking kid's sake, they want to make sure the person who takes them can give them what they need.

  11. Seriously. The sentiment is great, but my cousin has fostered a couple of teens and, well, the short version of the story is that they now have an upgraded security system protecting their house and are no longer fostering teens.

  12. Yep. We adopted a fifteen year old. We were his first family setting. He's twenty four now. He's an amazing young person and we're 100% thrilled he's part of our family, but the early years were hard. The first two years or so were particularly difficult.

  13. It's more than that because some older teens need a decade of therapy to reach some level of social normality. You can't love a decade of trauma and neglect out of someone. I've worked in foster care or been a foster parent for well over a decade, and you can't fix some of this stuff. Every kid deserves a chance, but some level of realism is needed in this field.

  14. It also perpetuates the idea that younger children won’t have those kinds of problems. Adoption is inherently traumatic. Sometimes it’s the right thing for the kid, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t traumatic. Even children adopted from birth will still struggle with feeling as though they were unwanted by their birth family, and can struggle to feel like they belong with their adoptive family.

  15. Yeah this is very teenager holy-than-thou bs. When people say children in foster care can have emotional and behavioural problems from abuse they don't mean talking back. They mean hours long tantrums, hiding knives, threatening to kill other members of the family, violent outburst, strange urinating and defaecating behaviors, constantly having to pick them up early from school, suicide attempts from kids younger than 10, drug/alcohol/tobacco use I'm children younger than 13, inappropriate sexual behaviors at all ages. It's not all the kids but if you think some kind words and a hug is all they need you will fail them quickly.

  16. I was an older kid when I found my family and I wasn’t adopted officially until I was an adult. Let me tell you, going from an abusive home into a safe home is hard. All of your adaptive behaviors you learn to survive abuse becomes maladaptive. Everything is different and scary and you’re living on eggshells. It gets exhausting. I used to dissociate when people paid attention to me because I mentally could not handle the weight of another person’s attention. It’s always “look at how hard it is for the parents” and never “look at how hard it is for the kid.”

  17. And too many people have this Hollywood expectation that the kids will be so grateful and mesh perfectly in their idea of a family with no issues. I've honestly talked 3 people out of adopting at this point in their lives because their expectations would fuck the kid up more than just staying in.

  18. This Tumblr post is basically a shitpost. These people have no idea the challenges presented by children that literally suffer life-debilitating mental illnesses from their upbringing prior to adoption.

  19. Also consider that many foster children have behavioral issues not only due to upbringing but being born drug affected. As a foster parent, CPS is going to be a regular part of your life as long as you’re actively fostering, and there’s potential the birth family will be as well.

  20. Yesyesyes. Just because you can't be a perfect parent to every kid doesn't mean you can't be the perfect parent to the right kids regardless of their age.

  21. These people are all always talking like everyone is a unique snowflake that just needs a little bit of love to turn everything around. Life is unfortunate and unfair and some people were doomed before they had a chance. But you can tell how sheltered some people are. It's a lot different when you have someone potentially getting violent with you or stealing from you etc (I am absolutely not saying this is common with older foster kids). But I've seen this a lot on reddit recently talking about the homeless community (some of those people are broken drug addicts that will get violent with you for no reason).

  22. Right. I have a family member fostering some teenagers who have been severely abused and she is just… not cut out for it. It doesn’t help that she’s only a few years older than said teenagers, but I keep telling her they need to be in regular therapy with a consistent daily schedule and that they’re both really struggling and need way more attention than she’s giving. Her response: well no one helped me like that!!! (untrue but even if it wasn’t, what does it matter why your experience was??? They need the help and they aren’t getting it.)

  23. 100% agree with this, well said. My wife and I are foster parents, and have fostered teens of various ages with some very very serious trauma. The spirit of the initial post is great, but very short sighted.

  24. yeah it's very admirable and one of the noblest things a person can do. But agreeing to care for a troubled teen is also a massive and serious responsibility your taking on

  25. A hug and kiss won't help if your adopted child is robbing you at knifepoint. Or sexually assaulting another of your children.

  26. Absolutely this. If I do end up with a kid, I intend to foster and maybe adopt older (9+) children… but I also intend to take a fuckload of classes about how to help a child with trauma before I do, and would never be able to do more than one. I had a lot of problems as a kiddo too, but I’d never take responsibility for a kid without knowing their background and making sure I’m really fucking educated on it, and emotionally ready for the worst.

  27. It is a LOT of work, to be sure. We never thought we could just love it away, however. We had all the usual problems with a sexually, physically, and emotionally abused 9 year old we fostered to adopt. Lies, pooping in pants and/or bed, bed wetting, stealing, food hoarding, breaking virtually every household rule. Physical tantrums and altercations, running away, etc. Did our best to make sure our behavior was consistent, always up front and honest. Made sure they got good counselling, stressed with schools their needs so we got as much cooperation from administration and teachers as possible. Lots and lots of work. As they got older grades fell off until eventually they dropped out of school. But they had moved out shortly after turning 18 so we really couldn't prevent that. Right now they are sharing a house with a friend, has a good job and is well liked by co-workers. Of course like all parents we wished for more but right now the bottom line is they are happy. Can we take credit for any of it? Maybe, But was it worth the trouble and heartache? You bet. We can't fix the world but we helped get one kid out of a very bad situation and tried to give them the tools to succeed in life despite the bad start and that is all most of us can do.

  28. Glad to see there’s reasonable people. Trying to paint kids as a black and white issue where “they all have unique issues and you just gotta parent…” is really making light of the situation.

  29. Oh thank god that was my exact thought when I was reading this thread and you put it so much more eloquently than I would’ve been able too lol

  30. I adopted older kids, 8 & 10. I regret it 1000%. Oldest ended up just wanting to go back where they came from. The other lies and steals any chance they get. I don't think anything we tried mattered or made a difference.

  31. This. Too many people look at adopting older kids as "I'll give them a good home and everything will work out great and those challenges aren't going to be any different than any other kid" when they don't realize exactly the kind of effects the trauma those kids have experienced can have. Older kids and teens deserve homes where the parents understand the unique challenges these kids are dealing with. Those are the homes that will give them the best shot at life.

  32. Thing is I was raised by my biological family and ended up having severe behavioral and emotional problems and attachment issues because of them. People act like their own kid couldn't possibly apply to that assumption

  33. You don’t understand. All you have to do is “step up a do some fruxking parenting.” This 15 year old girl who has life totally figured out just told me.

  34. But that's not a reason to act like people who want to adopt them anyway are weirdo aliens. Some people act almost disgusted by it. Yeah, it is a lot of hard work, but it's extremely admirable.

  35. Yep, my mom was a social worker and a good portion of her cases were parents that had adopted a child with a severe emotional or behavioral disorder that the adoptive rich parents plenty with tough parenting and professional help could not keep the kid from lashing out or getting in trouble on a regular basis. The main reason being the birth mother abused substances during the pregnancy.

  36. Too many people gloss over the fact that your own biological kid can have just as many if not worse issues than these foster children.

  37. I mean, it's almost exactly like adopting an unruly dog, just like having a baby is like having a puppy. You can fuck up from scratch, and you can love/train bad habits out of an older dog. There's no bad dogs, just bad owners!

  38. I’m all for the sentiment of this post but this reads like 5 teens grandstanding about what great parents they’ll be. Raising any kid is hard but raising a teen who’s likely experienced more trauma in his short life than most experience in their lifetimes is exponentially harder raising a child from a young age.

  39. Yeah, saying "every child has unique challenges" severely undercuts just how serious and delicate some of these kinds of cases can be. Kids with trauma don't need someone who thinks their issues are going to be of the same magnitude as any other child, they need someone who UNDERSTANDS that it's going to be much more difficult to raise them and who is adequately prepared/equipped to handle that. Every child deserves a home and I absolutely would love if there were more people willing and able to take them on, but the reality is that MOST people aren't prepared for that, and if you're going to do it you need to understand what it entails and be at least REASONABLY confident in your ability to follow through, because trying and failing can hurt the kid even worse.

  40. This. I used to be a teacher and the first school I taught at was a small neighborhood school where most of my students were living on the better edge of poverty. Like, they mostly had their physical needs cared for but it wasn't uncommon at all the uncover abuse, neglect, or some deep-seated trauma. Most of my time there was spent parenting, not teaching. It's, hands down, the hardest job I have ever done and it was only 15 kids when most inner-city schools are 25-40 kids with most of those kids on the less forgiving side of poverty.

  41. The most annoying part is you know they will never actually go through with the adoption. There is always someone who judges parents for doing IVF instead of adopting but those same people aren't going to adopt either. It's so easy to be a martyr when it doesn't take any effort.

  42. Also has these little cracks where it makes it feel it's not any sort of result of kindness, but people wanting to adopt teens and make them into vaguely functional human beings just for a feeling of superiority.

  43. I actually do work with foster youth, and the teens can be reasoned with. A highly traumatized 6-9 year old could drive a hostage negotiator to quit though.

  44. If you think that you aren't gonna inflict enough mental damage of your own, store-bought pre-traumatized child is also fine.

  45. TBF this sounds like a person feeling really smug about thinking about doing a thing. I don't think many people who actually adopted 17 year olds are on Tumblr.

  46. Was about to say. The person talked about how they want to adopt a teen, not that they had or have an actual plan to. Wanting something and not taking any action isn't doing anything to fix the actual problem.

  47. Literally starts with a "IF I become a foster mom". IE they haven't done anything except talk out their ass. They think trouble teen is gonna turn out like the movie the blind side or something. Nah it's probably gonna be a teen that sexually assaults your other kids or kills your pets and nails them to a door. Breaks/steals/pawns all your stuff. Gets arrested/kicked out of school. Needs constant drama and therapy. Enjoy the shit show but I feel confident for $20 that this person would never adopt to begin with.

  48. I feel like people are intentionally ignoring how damaging the foster care system can be in the US.

  49. Yeah, this isn't adopting a child with a normal, healthy childhood. These kids have often experienced physical, mental, or sexual abuse. They have issues beyond your average child. They absolutely deserve love and a family, but not everyone is equipped to handle the baggage they bring.

  50. The only benefit of the doubt I'll give them is "adopting a teen does not give you the luxury of adjusting, learning and adapting with them as they grow older".

  51. So, I've never fostered and I'm not a parent, but several of my family members and friends have and to put it succinctly

  52. but also just as someone who was adopted, adopting a baby isn’t going to make those issues better. Adoption is traumatizing even at infancy and even if the family means well and is loving, it’s just inherently damaging and parents need to understand that their baby adoptee is ALSO gonna have issues growing up

  53. Expecting perfection of children and especially adopted children will just give you unrealistic standards for them. All children act stupid and act irrational. That’s part of being a child. A great parent is one that adapts to and accepts their child’s imperfection and still loves them no matter how tough it is.

  54. There's still a big difference between the problems one would face with a toddler and the problems one would face with a teenager that's been in the system all their life. It seems like it would be way harder and uniquely difficult to raise a teen who's been in a situation like that.

  55. Honestly my expectation would be someone who is a bit rebellious anyways, due to them most likely either being passed over for a younger child, or having been shunted from foster parent to foster parent. That's a tough life, and you have to build a tough shell to survive it.

  56. Lol it's so easy to think like this when you don't have any experience working with kids with high social-emotional needs. And I know it comes from a good place! I used to want to be a foster mom myself. Then I became a middle school teacher in an inner city and now I'm so, so tired.

  57. This! It's absolutely great to want to take care of a teen who was abandoned by the world, and it's also important to know that the first few years of a kid's life are incredibly crucial, even if they don't remember it, so adopting a kid whose first few years were horrible is going to need a lot more prep work than caring for a kid who you raised from that age well yourself.

  58. Yeah, you can tell that nobody in the OP has done any research whatsoever. Troubled Teens™ are no less deserving of love, but anyone who thinks some children/teenagers don’t require significantly work to parent are only setting themselves up to fail while adding to that child’s trauma.

  59. Yeah the original post is really downplaying how much more difficult it is to raise an adopted child. According to the Cleveland Clinic the rate of Reactive Attachment Disorder is 1-2% in the general population but around 50% in children who have been removed from their original home. It’s basically a coinflip as to whether an adopted child will see you as their real parent.

  60. Exactly, it’s like if somebody goes “in order to reduce waste on earth, I’m gonna drive a 1985 stick shift with 800k miles on it” and somebody went “Are yet sure about that?, that car is going to have some serious issues, and in order to keep it running at all (let alone running smoothly) you need to really have a good knowledge of cars, and even then it could randomly just break down despite your best efforts” and then they replied “well then I guess I’ll have to just do some fruxking car maintenance, Stanley. Every car has a risk of breaking down and needs regular upkeep”.

  61. How do you know that none of these people have any experience? Regardless, you could say the exact same thing about people who have biological children. There is always a possibility that a child will be born with special needs or become severely ill, injured, or traumatized later in life. There is no way to reduce those odds to zero, but so many willfully ignore them until it happens to their child.

  62. There's a difference between a few children that 1+ parents can reasonably parent, and 25+ children that a single individual can not reasonably parent.

  63. We shouldn’t stigmatize adoption I agree with that, but I also think that not everyone is mentally/emotionally equipped to be a parent, adoptive or not. I’ve seen my sister struggle to the edge of her limits ever since she had a child. It’ll never be “easy” to raise a kid but the stress for her could’ve been mitigated by putting effort in in dealing with her own issues first.

  64. That's the thing with adoption Vs birthing when it comes to kids. It is a difficult thing to raise a child and should only be done for the benefit of the child, not for the ego of the parent/s or as a financial safety net. These 2 things aren't easy but can be regulated by having possible adoptive parents require to pass certain criteria before the state allows them to adopt a child.

  65. Adopting a teenager, or really any kid older then a baby, IS very hard, and it DOES present challenges way more difficult then if you just adopted or gave birth to a baby. Teenagers and older kids do deserve loving homes and people adopting them is wonderful, but it is difficult, so you need to make sure you genuinely want that and have the ability to handle it.

  66. I literally did foster a teenager from age 15 to 18, and yeah the people in this post have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about.

  67. I don't have any statistics but I think this post is idealistic and wrong. I think adopted kids, even those adopted at birth, have really hard problems to overcome that just can't be compared.

  68. As a Casa most of these Reddit people have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s sad and disgusting the way people are talking about kids here. We will be fostering ages 5-17 and up in a few years. I have my degree in SPED and education. We understand the uniqueness of older foster children but no one case is the same and EVERYONE deserves a loving home. I’m positive we will take some children that will need a better & more suitable placement but that’s apart of giving a child the best possible chance.

  69. Adoption and foster care agencies have to level-set expectations in exactly this way. The challenges of raising a child from birth are very different than raising a child from the age of 9 or 12. Same goes for raising a child initially born to an abusive home. Or a child who has been in the system all their life. Or a child born with mental or physical disabilities. Or child who has been sexualized or physically abused.

  70. My partner and I had our first meeting with a foster care coordinator. We aren't ready to apply now, but are interested in applying in the future and wanted to know what we should do in order to prepare. The FIRST thing the worker said to us was, "it will not the same as having biological children." She then went on to talk about how almost all of the kids available for adoption will have special needs and "they will not have the same abilities that you do." I'm glad she gave it to us straight up.

  71. This really belies the misconceptions that people have about fostering and adoption, namely that kids are like puppies and "imprint" on you if you get them young enough or something.

  72. Unique challenges as in mental health disorders and trauma that people without the proper education and/or training will not know how to deal with, and could in fact make things worse with their ignorance. It's a valid concern.

  73. Preach. Even with multiple sessions with professionals every week the foster-ish kid in my home is becoming more dangerous as time goes on.

  74. As an adoptive dad to a teenager from the system, I love my kid more than anything. There’s no better feeling than seeing him start to act to like a normal teen. Seeing him start to really try in school, while also being ok when trying doesn’t work out. It’s wild to see how his mood changes as he becomes more secure in knowing he’s home. The adoption won’t go through until a few months before he turns 18, and that’s with the courts rushing the process. But my son knows where home is now. He’s on our official family tree. He has somewhere with his picture on the wall and a room that he doesn’t have to share, and seeing him start to act like a normal teenager gives me a sense of happiness and peace that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. I love that kid more than anything.

  75. Hell yes. We need to hear more stories like yours. Too many people out here acting like everyone in Foster care is hopeless and that’s just not true. Congratulations to you and your son!

  76. I'm still looking for the perfect person to adopt. Preferably a retired, successful business exec or physician, gender doesn't matter, roughly 85 years or older.

  77. It makes me so sad that people think if you've been alive for X amount of years and haven't had parents that entire time (or just the last couple years, or whatever your situation is) that you no longer deserve a family. Once you're old enough to have memories and form opinions and you're not quite as cute and you actually understand that other kids have it better, then you shouldn't have any more chances at life. You turn 18 and the government turns you out on your own without a support system. Because no one wants to adopt you when you're too old and have developed issues from no one wanting to adopt you.

  78. One of my dreams is to adopt an older child. When would the adoptive parents find out about any medications? That truely breaks my heart, if the child is only medicated just to make them "seem adoptable" 💔

  79. if every child have unique challenges then that point is moot, because it's no longer unique and becomes the default of having any child. so when someone says "unique challenges" they OBVIOUSLY mean an extra challenge on top of the one of having a child. it's definitely harder to take care of an adopted child

  80. Glad I’m not the only one who finds this shit insufferable. They couldn’t find a more grating tone if they tried.

  81. Teenagers telling other teenagers how to be experts on any given subject, but with absolutely zero experience in said subject.

  82. I mean to be fair this is the exact discussion two 13 year old teenagers would have... when we read things like this we believe they are younger, but not this much younger... but once you put it in "this is a kid who is talking" it makes a lot of sense

  83. Possibly doing more harm than good trying to legally adopt a 17 year old. I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but in some places there are a lot of significant benefits that a kid can get for aging out of the foster system. Financial aid, housing aid, free health insurance, and various other benefits that are waiting for them once they hit 18 years old. You can still be there for them and offer them a good loving home and family to be a positive part of their lives, but going through the process of legal adoption right before they age out could be an expensive waste of money and could deny them benefits just for the sake of having a piece paper saying that the government acknowledges that you really do love them like family.

  84. This is a common misconception. At least in the state of CA, your benefits will carry, even if you’re adopted. When you turn 18 you have strict rules you must follow to stay in Fostercare until 21 or you’re kicked out of the system. When you’re adopted you get medical benefits from your parents until you’re 24, you have legal claim to inheritance, you are more protected by your family. And for many children, you get your forever family.

  85. I read "Fighting Words" recently, (a novel about two sisters and their new foster mom) and a line that stood out was, "No one ends up in Foster Care for happy reasons." This was said by their foster mother, who grew up in foster care herself.

  86. That's a massive oversimplification. When people tell you that they present unique challenges that's a nice way to say that there's much much greater chance that the kids are little assholes. Not that you can't make your kid a little asshole, but if my kid becomes an asshole after me looking after them their entire life, it's my fault. If I take a teenager and they are already a drug addict, that's kind of not my fault and makes everything so much harder. I want to adopt too despite that we can and have one biological child. But I want the second kid as little as possible. Maybe one day I will have money and time and I can fully commit to helping a kid that the system fucked up. I want to be able to do that, but I realize that I'd be opening an awful can of worm. If anyone is willing to do that, they are amazing. But this post makes it sound like a teen, that spend their entire life not knowing what a parental love and care is, is just as much trouble as a kid that you cared for their entire life. That's just wrong. Also it's destructive. There are a lot of people that adopt bigger kids not realizing what a mess they are getting themselves into and then they give up when shit hits the fan. That's so much worse than never adopting at all.

  87. While I love the heart of this post, this type of thinking does worry me a bit. Orphanages and foster care are extremely traumatic, and the long a kid spends in there the worst of an impact it creates. I know a lot of people who adopt, insist their kids are fine, ‘it was good orphanage/foster home’, and try to continue living their lives as if this will be a normal kid.

  88. These people will 100% fail as foster parents. They sound incredibly naive and are considering adoption because it makes them seem like a hero, not because they could truly parent a foster kid. Not to mention that one girl doesn't even like the idea of going through pregnancy because its uncomfortable! These people think adopting a kid is going to work out like it does in the movies I guarantee it

  89. "All children are problem children" is such a true statement tho. Like if they aren't getting in trouble, then they are either keeping secrets or accumulating mental health issues and racing towards being burnt out. Like "oh my kid gets such high marks, they play an instrument, they do sports, and are part of so many clubs, they also volunteer a lot! They never complain or misbehave either!" Like OK, your kid sounds like by the time they finish highschool, they will have depression, definitely have anxiety, feel the constant need to overachieve no matter how much they suffer because their self-worth depends on it, and will collapse mentally and maybe physically by their 2nd year of collage. Like calm the hell down and let your kid be a kid.

  90. While this is true, there is a vast difference between “my kid is keeping secrets and has anxiety” trouble and “my kid was so horrifically traumatized at a young age that they are mentally years behind in development, will likely have life long severe PTSD and other mental health issues, and also may try to everything in their power to make you give up on them up to and including attacking you with the intent to seriously harm you in order to prove that you don’t actually love them unconditionally” trouble. Sadly a lot of teens that are up for adoption are much more like the second than the first while unless you horrifically mess up your parenting the likelihood of your biological kids ending up like the second is almost non-existent. And if you aren’t prepared for this you will just cause even more trauma and damage to these poor kids.

  91. this comment is dumb. there are so many students who have high GPAs, play sports, are in clubs, etc. who don’t have mental illness (like me!). stop acting like anyone “successful” is traumatized or hiding something. some of us just don’t have anxiety or depression or whatever. and that’s ok too.

  92. Giving them a diving platform to a life,and people they can call family! I'm totally down for that!! Everyone has problems in this world some more severe than others, it's about accessing what you can out of them helping them when they literally don't know how!!! Sometimes it's all they need!! Xxxx

  93. It takes a special, special person to successfully raise a severely traumatized child, which most older kids in the foster system are. If you aren't that person, you can become that person! It's wonderful to want to help people like that. But the way to become someone who can ACTUALLY help others, who can actually make those intense sacrifices, who can actually handle the pain of failure, ingratitude, rejection, is not to bullshit yourself. And this Tumblr post is peak bullshitting yourself.

  94. I went down the route of fostering and adoption. I felt this way too, I love older kids and thought why not give a home to someone who needs it, I have so much love to give.

  95. It’s true. This is why right now I don’t want to have kids (one way or another). I’m not ready to actual be a parent, and to actually work with a kid in that way. So I won’t do it, it just wouldn’t be fair.

  96. If you feel like you can, go for it. But a lot of adopters go in not knowing the challenges ahead. There’s a lot of ptsd and baggage that these kids come with, and I’m not going to sit here and pretend it doesn’t come with an emotional toll. It’s hard! Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, but please go into it knowing how tough it’s going to be like my parents did with my sister. We are all still healing from everything we went raising her. I love her to death, but it was very hard, and I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t

  97. So love the pount that all children have the potential to be "problem children" and if you aren't prepared to deal with it, don't parent.

  98. I took in my 13 yo sister and can confirm there are unique challenges but that it is absolutely wonderful.

  99. Isn't there something like not adopting them lets them get free college? And that's why they say to wait on adopting till they get a degree?

  100. That’s so fucking stupid. Respect to all the people adopting teenage children, but if you can’t acknowledge the risk of prior traumas and the additional hardship of raging hormones to forming a harmonic family are real and tangible, you’re a moron. All children are problem children, but if you group them by age they have statistically varying likelihoods of issues. There’s nothing brave or courageous in willfully ignoring a risk. It can even be harmful another (underage) human being. On an individual level it might not matter, but it’s profoundly worrying that the parental approach of that person is to pretend the inclination doesn’t exist. Hoping that your case is an exception to the rule is not sound risk assessment.

  101. If anyone is considering fostering or adopting I strongly recommend watching Instant Family, it does a really good job at portraying the foster care system. The director and his wife actually fostered and adopted their sibling set so the film comes from a place of experience and knowledge.

  102. All kids need is a chance. Mom used to whine about deadbeat dads and no one wanting the responsibility of relationships with single moms (situation she was never in) but every time I dated a single mom, her and her kids weren't good enough for mom...

  103. We took in foster kids at 8 and 10. That was 20 years ago and today our daughter stopped by to visit. Our son just spent a couple of weeks visiting and everyday we are thankful for the kids that came into our lives. It wasn’t easy but life isn’t supposed to be easy. Being a parent is tough but we are so thankful for having them in our lives.

  104. And even if they are “problem children” in that system it’s likely because they didn’t have no one around to actually care for them, they deserve plenty of love and care

  105. This is all very cute but none of these people have the slightest clue what kind of hell an emotionally or mentally disabled teenager can be. Some children can be over 6 feet before they turn 14, and at that point a tantrum can he life threatening

  106. While I appreciate their outlook, I also know that adoption presents a lot of unique challenges and I hope they don’t underestimate the amount of help such kids will need. Also, adoption trauma is a real thing and many agencies do not obtain adoptees ethically. To anyone reading this, please be prepared to put in a lot of emotional labor and consider therapy for both of you (separately and individually) as well.

  107. Maybe they should put their money where their mouth is, then, and actually adopt some teenagers instead of just posting about it

  108. Yeah, child of shitty parents here, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned is the key sentence from this post “people who actually want to be parents”….these are pretty rare. Now that I’m middle aged, I am shocked how many ppl I know with kids who do NOT want to be parents. Yeah yeah, people will always give the whole “well I didn’t realize” or “you don’t know until you’re there” but that is just stupid and shows a dazzling lack of empathy for your own fucken children and a complete lack of imagination. My partner and I are child free for a reason….we can easily imagine how bad of parents we’d be and how difficult having kids can be. We’re not gonna put that suffering on someone else. You wanna be a parent, go nuts….but if you don’t have the mental capacity to envision the struggles and the empathy to care about your kids, just stop. Kids aren’t toys and cute babies grow up….most parents are toxic and it’s awful.

  109. This is the most naive post ever and I am sad every time it gets reposted. It takes a very, very special kind of person with a lot of training to adopt a teen with behavioural issues. Otherwise you are setting both yourself and the kid up for failure.

  110. This post is exhibit A on why you shouldn’t listen to anyone’s opinion on children if they, themselves, do not have children.

  111. As someone who knows both adopted children and the Foster parents of those kids I can for sure say that no matter how young he/she is when he/she gets adopted, they will require a lot of attention and care as they suffer a lot and need a lot, this is why it's usually not recommended for people who want to start a family to adopt because it requires a lot of experience and ability in handling children

  112. If you are likely to be the cause of a childs problems that you give birth to then what makes you think you are qualified to 'fix' a child that comes to you with problems caused by someone else?

  113. My nephew should be a case study for epigenetics or nature/nurture. He somehow wound up as an adult behaving EXACTLY like his mother and her siblings, despite having virtually ZERO contact with them after age 2. He had the BEST step mother in the world who ADORED this boy and somehow, the kids with her genes act like I'd expect a child they raised...and here this 18yo kid is...saying, doing, behaving EXACTLY like his POS mother...uncanny shit that I had to deal with as I grew up with his mother as my step sister. He doesn't know, but his dad and I look at each other and shake our heads. He's been my best friend since teenage years, that's how he met her.

  114. Trauma is often a cause of mental illness, and poverty, which many minority families (depending on the minority in question) are forced into, can cause trauma. So... yeah.

  115. People acting as if posts says "raising adopted children is piece of cake!" and not "stop discouraging people who do want to deal with them, especially if you are just a bystander".

  116. I think the point is that foster kids are already traumatized, and require even better than usual parenting. Giving them parents who aren’t prepared or have sunshine and rainbows ideas of adoption increases the chances that the parents burn out and the child returns to foster care, over and over, which causes more harm. I’ve read enough stories of that happening to understand why adoption agencies - the good ones, anyway - screen potential parents so harshly, and often insist on previous parenting experience for teenagers.

  117. Everytime someone asks me if I’m sure I want to adopt older kids cause “you know they tend to have a lot of mental health challenges right?” I laugh and laugh and laugh my un-adopted severely mentally ill ass off

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